Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Miss Public Transportation


As you know, I firmly believe that men and women are different. Even though I think that feminism was originally a decent idea, I don’t necessarily agree with what it turned into now. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t believe that women are worse in any way; I just believe God created us differently and for different purposes. When the majority of men are better in some things, the majority of women are better in others. If you want to prove me wrong, show me a guy who can drive as poorly as I do.

Friday night I decided to go to one of the nearby malls – Palmer Mall. I knew the directions pretty well, but since I felt adventurous and I had a Tom-Tom GPS in my purse, I thought it would be a good idea to take a different route.

I looked up the address online and it said: 123 Palmer Park Mall, Easton, PA. I tried entering the information into my GPS, using “navigate to” option, but it didn’t recognize the address. After randomly and stubbornly clicking different buttons, I finally ran into “point of interest” option; I typed “Palmer Park Mall” and found it. Or that’s what I thought.

The drive was fine for awhile. I even listened to some Russian music and switched tracks twice. When I was getting off the highway the mall was supposedly only 3 minutes away.

The voice of John Cleese on GPS ( hubby set it up) took me left, then right; then made me merge left and take the second right. One minute left. I started getting suspicious. The streets were narrow and dark. Most of them were one-way. No traffic lights or any lights for that matter (not even in the windows of few houses I was driving by). One minute away from the mall, but no traffic, or people, or mall in my view. I kept driving until in the middle of a narrow-one-way- dark street the annoying voice said: “You have reached your destination. You may get out now and I am not going to help you carry your bags.” (it always does that). What do you mean I can get out now? I stopped the car (in the middle of the road of course) and looked at Tom-Tom. “PALMER STREET”. Somehow this little bastard took me to Palmer street, which has nothing to do with the Palmer Park mall. I panicked. WHAT DO I DO? WHERE TO GO? HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE??? Of course, at this very moment a car appeared out of nowhere and started beeping. Praying, I drove forward, then left, then right, hoping to stop again, but the car kept following me. Not sure what it was about, but after 5 minutes of driving, it finally got off my car’s butt.

I stopped (in the middle of the street again, because I can’t parallel park), called home and my smart man was able to find the mall’s address. Parkway avenue/248 intersection. Let’s try again.

Five minutes later the Tom-Tom took me out of this dark evil place. I don’t remember ever being so excited to see a traffic light. Maybe a little too excited.

“Left turn ahead” John Cleese announced. I moved to the left lane and stopped at the red light. Then something weird happened. A huge van across the street slowly started moving in my direction while blinking its head lights. HELLO? WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, BUDDY? I STILL HAVE A RED LIGHT HERE!

Suddenly with horror, I realized that the red light was not directly in front of me. It was on the right. OH MY!!!! I AM SITTING IN THE WRONG LANE! IT IS A TWO WAY STREET!!!. I hid most of my face in my scarf (thank God it was dark) and moved to the right lane. The big van angrily beeped at me one more time and passed me. Now I was standing directly under the light, but I couldn’t see it, because I moved too far front. In a moment I saw another car behind me and its persistent beeping and flashing gave me a clue that my light turned green. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. I HOPE IT IS NOT A COP. I guess it wasn’t, because they passed me on the next block, where the road did have two lanes...

I made a few more boo-boos before I got to the mall. I stopped on a crossroad, where I though was a stop sign and confused and made angry at least two other cars. Then I slowed down sharply when Cleese told me to make a U-turn, where one was not allowed. In fear of making more mistakes, I was probably driving 20 miles per hour (with a 45 limit) and annoying I don’t know how many drivers.

Yes, I made it to the mall before it closed. And yes, it is a typical driving story for me.

Even though I suck in driving, I still don’t think it makes me (or any of my female friends, who drive similarly) worse than others. There are a number of things that God blessed me (and women in general) with, but for understandable reasons, I am not going to list them here. Driving is just not one of them and I am fine with it.

11 comments:

The Inept Aspirant said...

You are very brave to purposely look for an alternate route. I avoid traveling places I have never been for fear of all the things you mentioned! My husband says I have a 25 mile radius that I will drive, anything more and he has to bring me.

Darlene said...

you are too funny. I say curse those blasted Tom-toms. they have an evil plan!!!

Faith said...

Wow, that sounds stressful! And, um, why didn't you call me?! I couldn't have get you unlost, but I could have met you at the mall!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Off topic/reply to you comment: You have the Podarki mug?! What is that about??

Happy Mama said...

Linda, I'll facebook you:-)

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fawndear said...

That just goes to show you that GPS devices were designed my men who want to make us feel stupid in the direction department.

I was thinking of trying to find this cafe everyone around here is oggling about,but after your experiance I think I'll just sit home and shop online.

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Van said...

I don;t use my GPS system any more - EVER. Been lost tooooooooooo many times! I find maps are still my best friend and I have usined them all over the world! I love your stories. Great insight.

Debbie said...

I refuse to get one of those GPS. Every machine I have is out to get me and that one would wield the most power.